


broken my heart so many times (i stopped keeping track)

by peterparkr



Series: Febuwhump 2020 [14]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I love May and tony, May Parker (Spider-Man) & Tony Stark Coparenting Peter Parker, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Whump, coparenting duo, febuwhump 2020, me writing this: i will pepper in the fact that tony is bi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22961305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterparkr/pseuds/peterparkr
Summary: Throughout all of Tony’s often devastating years of existence, wrought with hardship and tragedy, nobody ever thought to tell him that your heart can never break for yourself as much it can break for your child.Febuwhump Day 14: Broken Heart
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Febuwhump 2020 [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1620064
Comments: 14
Kudos: 243





	broken my heart so many times (i stopped keeping track)

Tony’s arduous journey through heartbreak started at the ripe age of six when he realized that his father didn’t love him. He’s not sure how his young, not yet fully developed brain jumped to that conclusion. It might have been something in his eyes—or the lack thereof. Later, he would revise the theory—Howard may have loved him in his own stilted, absent way, but he never _liked_ him. 

Either way, the general disregard with which Howard held Tony was the painful start, a foreshadowing of what was to come. 

There were a few more notable stops along the way—his first night alone at boarding school, Rhodey’s confirmation that he did not swing that way after Tony kissed him on his 21st birthday, his parents’ death, the more literal examples of Afghanistan, palladium poisoning, and open heart surgery.

It didn’t stop there. Tony could give speeches about every single instance of heartbreak in his life if he wanted to. But, there’s no point—none of them really matter now. They were all training exercises—the kind that don’t actually prepare anyone for the real thing.

Throughout all of Tony’s often devastating years of existence, wrought with hardship and tragedy, nobody ever thought to tell him that your heart can never break for yourself as much it can break for your child. It’s a different kind of pain and it cuts deeper.

* * *

FRIDAY sends Tony an alert—it has a special _zing_ at the end to indicate that it has something to do with Peter. He quickly pulls up the accompanying video from the kid’s suit. It shows a mundane fight—some guy in what looks to be a morphsuit with a leather jacket over it. Peter slings webs at his face, throws out some comments that he thinks are witty (Tony would never describe them as such, at least not anywhere that Peter might hear), and leaps around the walls of the alley.

It’s quite standard. Tony stifles a yawn and checks how much longer the video has left. It’s only a few seconds. He narrows his eyes and opens his mouth to ask FRIDAY why she sent him it.

And then morphsuit-jacket guy lights up, emitting a buzzing sound. 

“Dude, did you get bit by a radioactive electric eel? We might have a lot in common! We should be friends not—”

The guy touches Peter and the video goes black.

Tony’s heart starts to flutter. It sends a few sharp jabs through his chest—moderately concerning due to his extensive medical history relating to that particular organ. He pushes it aside because right now—

“I believe that Mr. Parker may require some assistance, Boss. I have not been able to reach Karen since this video was transmitted.”

Tony taps the nanotech compartment.

His heart doesn’t settle for the whole flight to Peter’s last transmitted location. His stomach decides to join the party, rolling around with every irregular beat. He thinks that he might throw up if Peter isn’t in the alley when he gets there. He can’t imagine anything worse than that—because then he’ll throw up right now. 

Peter is at the location, unconscious, but alive. On the flight to May’s apartment, Tony gets his suit to come back online. The vitals that Karen reads out are stable. He expects that to calm him down, but it doesn’t.

He knocks on May’s door with his elbow, tapping his foot as he waits for her to open it. 

Her eyes fly open when she takes in the scene outside her door. It must look ridiculous, Iron Man holding a limp Spider-Man in the hallway of a dingy Queens apartment building. Tony wonders if any of the neighbors saw him come in. He hadn’t exactly been subtle. He blames his lack of foresight on his faulty heart not getting enough oxygen to his brain.

“Is he okay?”

“I think so.” Tony’s thankful that the suit masks his voice, because it sounds shaky and hollow to his own ears.

He carries Peter to his bed, taps the nanotech compartment to summon the particles back into it, and explains what happened. His head starts to spin somewhere in the middle of the story and his heart keeps doing its thing—sometimes emitting a stabbing sensation before returning to the dull ache.

He’s making his exit when one of the stabs hits. He stops in his tracks. There must be something wrong—physically. He’s confused that with an anxiety attack before, but there’s no reason for him to be panicking right now. He’s in a familiar, warm apartment, Peter’s fine, there’s no invasion occurring outside the window.

“Can I—uh—sit down for a minute?”

He collapses onto the sofa before May has the chance to answer. His hand automatically starts forming circles where the arc reactor used to be. Old habits die hard.

May jogs around the side of the couch and crouches in front of him, analytical nurse’s eyes running over him. 

“What’s wrong? Did you get hit out there, too?”

“No. I don’t know—I’m—” He takes a few deep breaths and presses harder against his chest.

“I’m calling 911.”

“No, wait—” Tony holds up a hand and she pauses with her finger poised over the numbers of her phone. “He’s still okay, right?”

May’s face softens. Her hand falls a little bit. “He’ll be okay. Now, make your AI do a scan—Peter told me it could. Check on that heart of yours.”

“Nice to know you care,” Tony replies.

“Don’t go getting any crazy ideas. I’d never work again if I let Tony Stark die of a heart attack in my apartment.”

Tony chuckles. The scan comes back fine. He tells May as much and she lets out a sigh of relief, settling into a more relaxed position next to him on the couch.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He stares up at the ceiling.

May snorts. “I do.”

He turns his head to the side to look at her. “Do tell.”

“I remember when I sent Peter off to kindergarten—we’d only had him for about a year at that point. I thought I was going to die when he let go of my hand and stepped onto that bus. I worried myself sick the whole day. And then he came home—had a fantastic time. Already had a best friend!”

“Ned?”

“Ned,” she confirms. “And the next day it happened all over again. I felt like my heart was breaking every time he walked onto that damn bus. It must have stopped at some point because I don’t freak out when he goes to school anymore. But now he’s out there every night with people who are trying to kill him. Nothing prepares you for that.”

It almost sounds like she’s implying that Tony has the same type of relationship with Peter that she has. He doesn’t know how to process that information—definitely doesn’t want to ask for confirmation in case he’s reading it wrong.

“How do you deal with it then?”

“Peter’s tough. He’s been through a lot, but he always gets back up.” She shrugs. “I just tell myself that he’ll continue to do that. Over and over until he comes home.”

“Sounds stressful.”

“Welcome to the club. That’s the primary parental emotion.”

Tony tenses. May just pats his shoulder.

Three and a half months later there’s an incident on Titan. But Tony blocks that out as much as he can.

* * *

When the doctor lays Morgan in his arms for the first time, Tony forgets how to breathe.

He’s been obsessed with fruit sizes for months, comparing them to the bundle of cells growing inside Pepper. Now, he can’t remember what the comparison is for a newborn. He can’t picture any fruits. 

“Is she supposed to be this small?”

“She’s a little early, so she’s smaller than average. But definitely in the normal range. You have nothing to worry about.”

He most certainly does.

He extends his arms, pushing Morgan back to the doctor.

“Um—sir?”

He pushes her farther away. The doctor takes her and Tony ducks past him towards the door of the room. He hears Pepper call his name through static and mumbles a few apologies.

He walks down hallways, heart jackhammering, until he finds an exit. He bursts out of the hospital and into the parking lot. It looks half-empty. Everything does these days.

This isn’t the type of world to bring a child into. Governments are in disarray, not just on Earth, but across the entire universe. People everywhere are mourning. Tony doesn’t deserve to celebrate a new life in the face of all that loss. The universe is too big and Morgan is too tiny to exist in it. She’ll get swallowed up by all the empty space where people used to be. It’s irresponsible to force the burden of a broken universe—the price for Tony’s mistakes—onto the tiny back of a child. She’ll have to deal with the repercussions for longer than he will.

He wrings his hands behind his head and tries to ignore the jolts of pain striking out from the center of his chest.

For some reason, his strongest instinct is to call May Parker, but she’s one of the empty spaces.

He turns around and walks back inside.

* * *

Peter comes back and it’s the answer to every misplaced prayer that Tony whispered at three AM when it felt like someone was poking around inside his chest—finding all the weak spots and digging in with their pointy fingernails.

He thought it would ease the ache, but now there’s two of them and Tony doesn’t know how any parents birth or adopt whole tribes of children. He thinks he’d die trying to split his heart into that many pieces. He can barely manage two.

There's nothing he can do but continue the journey.

Tony throws a fantastic retirement party. He gets on stage and gives a ridiculous speech begging the remaining and new Avengers to leave him alone. Everybody laughs. It’s a great time.

Unfortunately, villains don’t respect retirement plans. 

Peter and Morgan get kidnapped three days after the party (later, Peter will say that 17 year olds don’t get kidnapped so it was an abduction, but abduction feels scarier than kidnapping so Tony sticks to his original assessment).

Tony dons the suit that he swore he’d never touch again. It seems to be a recurring theme in his life—him and his damn suits are cosmically intertwined. No matter how many times he swears off of them, something drags him back in.

When he touches down next to Sam, the guy does a double-take. “Wasn’t I just at your retirement party?”

“Yup.”

“You didn’t have to come, man, we’ve got this.”

The look on Tony’s face must say enough because Sam shuts up after that.

In the end, it is easy to find them. Sam and the rest of the team are more than competent—they could have done it themselves. Nevertheless, Tony’s glad he’s there.

When they break open the door, Morgan’s curled against Peter. She looks up with tearfilled eyes that start to overflow when she sees the Iron Man suit. Tony lets the nanites seep away as she runs to him. He lifts her into his arms and pulls her close, then holds her back out again so he can look at her. He repeats the motion a few times, torn between trying to comfort her and making sure that she hasn’t been hurt in any way.

“D’worry, Mr. Stark,” Peter slurs. “Didn’t let ‘em touch her.”

He’s leaning heavily into Sam to stay upright. His face is busted, one eye swollen shut and dried blood in a curved line from the side of his right temple to the base of his neck. 

Tony rushes over and hugs him with the arm that’s not holding Morgan.

“Idiot,” he mumbles. “No self-preservation.”

“Wonder where he got that from,” Sam mutters.

“She’s five,” Peter protests. “What was I ‘posed to do?”

“I know, I know. You did good, kid. Thank you.”

Tony squeezes both of them, hoping somehow that the contact will ease the pain and terror. It doesn’t. Having kids is shaving more years off his life than shrapnel or palladium ever could.

* * *

The day that Morgan goes off to kindergarten, with a Spider-Man lunchbox and a fake last name, May shows up at the cabin.

“How are you guys holding up?”

“Not great,” Pepper says.

“This might be the worst day of my life,” Tony adds.

Pepper rolls her eyes. “Take that back.”

“What if someone’s found out who she is? Doc Ock could be breaking through the doors right now—with the little claw hand things!”

“Doc Ock isn’t around anymore.” May sets her bag on the table and starts rummaging through it. “Peter took care of that months ago.”

Tony groans noncommittally and buries his face in crook between Pepper’s shoulder and neck. He saved the universe once, he’s allowed to be as dramatic as he wants now.

“Well, I brought movies.” Tony hears a thunk as May sets her bag down on the table, then some rustling. “And snacks.”

“I can’t eat,” Pepper says. “I'm too stressed.”

Tony mumbles his agreement against her skin.

“Just a movie then.”

Tony lets out another groan.

“I brought Brides Maids.”

He rouses at that and rolls his head to the side so that he can see. May’s waving the DVD case in the air. He hasn’t seen a DVD in years. He almost tells her that nobody uses those anymore, but decides against it. FRIDAY will figure something out. At worst, Tony will just buy it.

“Fine,” he sniffs.

* * *

Moving Peter into college is worse. 

He was beyond nervous to tell Tony that he chose Empire State University over MIT, so Tony put on a big show of being the appropriate amount of disappointed but overall accepting of the decision. In reality, his primary emotion was relief—just happy to keep Peter close.

“May, please,” Peter whines as she hugs him for the sixth time. “I can come home every night if I want to.”

“But you won’t. And you shouldn’t.”

She gives him one last hug and then steps aside, wiping her eyes.

“Well, kid, it’s been fun,” Tony says. “Have a good life.”

Peter grins. “Shut up, Tony.”

He throws his arms around him. Tony squeezes his eyes shut as tight as he can to trap any tears that might get the wrong idea. 

“Remember, don’t do anything I would do—”

“And definitely don’t do anything you wouldn’t do,” Peter finishes.

“You’re finally getting it. Took you long enough.”

Peter pulls away and hops onto his twin bed. He’s shot up a couple of inches in the last year, Tony thinks that his legs might stick over the end when he sleeps. He makes a mental note to call the school about it.

“Bye guys, thanks for helping bring my stuff up.” He says it cheerfully, as if this isn’t doom’s day all over again.

Tony and May make it out of the dorm building before she loses it. She’s not the only one. There are parents sobbing everywhere, as they drive away in their cars, as they wave goodbye, some unfortunate souls while they’re still carrying up boxes of clothes and shoes. 

“This might be worse than when he died,” Tony jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

She covers her face with her hands. 

They find a bench on the quad. May leans her head on Tony’s shoulder and he wraps an arm around her.

“I guess I’m out of the club,” she whispers.

It takes Tony a second to figure out what she’s talking about, but when he does he twists to the side and grabs both of her shoulders.

“Listen up, May Parker,” he says, shaking them. “First of all, you have to stay in the club because I will not survive it without you.”

She sniffs and then exhales a small laugh. “That’s true. You struggle quite a bit.”

“Exactly,” he says. “And second, I don’t think it’s a club you ever leave. It doesn’t matter how far he goes or how old he gets.”

May looks at him thoughtfully. “When I first saw him in that suit, I wanted to kill you. How’d you become my best friend?”

Tony shrugs. “I think that every person in my life would give a similar testimonial. That’s just the effect I have.”

She rolls her eyes and then leans back on his shoulder. He hears her start to cry again. Tony places his head on top of hers and sheds a few tears of his own.

Because it’s not the end. Their hearts will keep breaking over and over again for the rest of their lives. 

Even though it hurts, if he’s really honest with himself, he knows that he wouldn’t want it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the few prompts I wrote ahead of time, so I opened it up for the first time since January yesterday and then I read the first section and my jaw dropped a little lmao. I must have been in a Mood my god. So Dramatic! 
> 
> My [tumblr!](https://peterparkrr.tumblr.com)


End file.
